We often don’t give credit to our feelings and what they can teach us.
Using feeling words, describe a time or experience of transformation in your life.
Life offers lessons for each of us.
What would your top five phrases be that reflect those lessons?
Think about your story. Acknowledge that you’re here on purpose.
Why do you think you are here?
All feedback is relevant.
Think about 1 time in your life when you got feedback that upset you. 1 time in your life that it encouraged you. And 1 time in your life where the feedback came from an unexpected source. If there is anything in common with your three answers, what is it? Might that be relevant feedback?
Living intentionally is living richly.
State 2 intentions that you will practice intentionally that aren’t easily intentional. Do this for whatever time frame you want. Notice what that is like…but notice not with judgement but as a witness.
*Post 909
I am Not Okay :: 9/30/17 :: Post 33
I’m not okay.
I’m sad. Actually, I’m more than sad…I’m devastated.
I’m angry. And bitter.
I’m confused.
Life was hard today. Waking up is tough. I feel terrible and I lack motivation to move. But then I force myself to because I know it’s healthy for me to get out of my head and off my chair and do something. So, I did… I did my physical therapy exercises which hurt like hell. Then I showered which takes longer than it used to. Then I had to re-bandage my drain holes which is a whole thing. Then I finished getting ready for the day of life ahead. From the moment I woke up to the moment I could have walked out the door ready, 3 hours. I’m gonna have to speed things up a bit since I’m going in to work on Monday…..either that or I gotta have a super early start. I suppose we’ll see how that goes.
I got behind the wheel of a car for the first time today in 3 weeks. That was weird. And difficult. I can safely drive but the range of motion in my left arm is not great, so I have to modify my driving style a bit. And of course, I’m still jumpy from having been in a serious car accident a month and a half ago…
I went to one of Anabelle’s games today. And her team was losing. And she was struggling to keep it together emotionally. And she was having an attitude…. It was hard to watch and not get to go over to her in the middle of the game and fix it. So, I sat there and struggled my own self. The curse of being a coach and knowing too much but being a parent and not wanting to pressure my kid. And then I come to find out that her attitude wasn’t because she wasn’t playing well or because she was just being a grump, it was actually because she was devastated that her team lost the one game that I was able to come to and she really wanted me to see her win. Because she needed a win. And she didn’t get it. Both of us were crying in the gym as we talked it out…how hard this all is…how sucky it is we have to walk it…how winning means way more than just a 3rd-5th grade YMCA volleyball game win – we need a win in life. We need a break. My girl was crushed because she is 9 and can’t control any of this…and all she wanted was for her team to win because it meant a lot to her that I came to watch.
And I missed Haleigh’s games today because I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t muster the energy.
And I missed Catelyn’s games today because I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t muster the energy.
And I feel guilty. I feel angry at cancer. I feel frustrated that *I* can’t control any of this.
And then I had to email a friend of mine that runs a volleyball club team through the girls’ school and tell him that even though I signed up for coaching Catelyn’s club team this upcoming season (December through May), that I was going to have to back out of that commitment. Because I have cancer. And I will be in the midst of treatment. And I will be tired and who knows what toll the side effects will take (my nurses think I’ll struggle due to past history of incredibly difficult pregnancies so while some patients find chemo to be totally manageable, mine isn’t assured). Catelyn was counting on me. The girls on this team and their parents were counting on me. Club tryouts for other clubs are done…the chance for any of these girls to find a team is slim. The fact that my friend now has to find a back-up plan with only a couple of months to do so, not cool.
And I talked with Cate about it tonight. And we both cried. And she was so precious to understand. But I know she is devastated…because we were both so excited.
And all the while this is happening, my Annie is having yet another emotional break down in her room. I go to ask why…. This week is homecoming week at school where they dress up in fun stuff every day (I actually hate it as a parent, but that’s just me)… Anyways, she had wanted a Super Girl costume for “Super Hero Day” and she specifically wanted a hot pink version because…..well….her mom has breast cancer and that’s our new family color. The costume didn’t fit. And she didn’t like it. And she was devastated that it didn’t work out because she thought I would be sad that she wasn’t wearing pink…for me. So, we talked again. About all of this. About what we can and can’t control. About how wearing pink is such a sweet gesture but that we can find other ways to wear pink and honor mom (and our whole family) in this chapter. Because she’s 9 and wearing pink is her way of making this survivable.
And Haleigh…she swings emotionally as drastically as I do. She’s good one minute and then beyond pissy the next. Taking out her emotions on the nearest person because, well, this is all out of her control, too.
How this is impacting my girls is heart breaking. It is difficult to fight off the feelings of guilt and “I’m sorry’s”… It is wrecking my soul to see my girls hurt on behalf of their momma and I can’t do a damn thing to make it go away. I just have to walk with them through it and be there with them in it, however they are in it. While I’m in it. All while watching my husband carry the heaviest load he might ever carry.
Yes…I have a plan of attack. And that feels good(??) Yes…I am healing and getting a little stronger and gaining a little more independence every day. And that feels freeing(??) Yes…I have a cancer that has a promising prognosis. And that feels hopeful(??)
But, I am not okay.
Hidden All Along :: 9/30/18 :: Post 382
Psalm 77:19 – Your road led through the sea, your pathway through the mighty waters–a pathway no one knew was there! (NLT)
I heard this today at church and I thought it very fitting for this past year.
As I sit here tonight, the night before a chemo Monday, I am reflective on the past 17 21 day cycles, the past 51 weeks, the past year. The Sunday nights before those every-three-week chemo Mondays have been hard. I am always blah, down, funky. I dread the next day but I have also been glad each has come and gone. One step closer. One step closer.
Some Sunday nights were dreadfully depressing. Back when I had to take my dexamethasone the night before and the morning of…the way that steroid made me feel was awful. Some Sunday nights were terribly dark because I had just gotten a glimpse of good days and it was time to feel like dying again. Going to sleep on those nights knowing the pain that awaited………………hard.
Even when the ‘light chemo’ started and some parts of it all were easier, I still had to get up, drive to Rose and have my port stuck with a sharp long needle so that chemo drugs could be infused directly into my jugular. I still had to count down the days. I still had to schedule every-third-Monday. I still had to show up and battle.
It’s strange sitting here tonight. Yet another interesting tension. Gratitude that we’ve come this far. Uncertain of what a new routine will look like. Glad this day (that felt so so far away) is finally here yet accepting that chemo drugs still have to course through my veins tomorrow and cycle through my body over the next few weeks.
This verse, in context, is talking about how God parted the Red Sea for the Israelites just in time for their lives to be spared from an army that seemed too big, too strong, too skilled, too deadly. How a path of dry land in the middle of a massive sea appeared. And then, just as miraculously as it appeared, it disappeared, taking the entire army with it.
“…a pathway that no one knew was there!” has significance because He did. He knew it was there, and it was hidden in the sea all along.
It is always interesting to me when I come across sayings, verses, quotes, reminders, that talk of the sea or storms. I’ve never been much of a beach girl and if you ask me where I’d rather be, I’d say mountains every time, but from the very beginning of 2017 and so far through 2018, and going into 2019, I’ve described much of this experience like that of a stormy sea. And God has walked me through this stormy sea, on a path that was there all along.
And I trust that the waters that swell with the storms to come, will, too, have a hidden path to get me through.
Good :: 9/30/19 :: Post 745
It was a good day. I’m grateful those are woven in…