It’s a tough anniversary day as this was the day my port was placed…a much more difficult step then I’d expected. A step heavy on my heart yet three years later. It was impossible to seek the solace of denial when I had a mechanism made of plastic imbedded under my skin with a catheter threaded into my jugular… the chemo was coming.
…..the chemo was coming…..
(The crane’s wing in the picture is over my port scar. Albert added this crane into the piece because the Japanese crane is a symbol of resilience in trauma and he wanted to honor the resilience of my story visually with this powerful image.)
*Post 905
Quick Update :: 9/26/17 :: Chris Havekost
Hi all, just a quick update from Amber’s recovery room at Sky Ridge. We got a late start today, but her chemo port insertion procedure is complete and has gone smoothly. She’ll be resting here for at least an hour before we can go home. One more step down this long road is complete. Thank you for your continued prayers and support
Reality is Here But Yet Still So Far Out of Reach :: 9/26/17 :: Post 29
This chemo port installation was no joke. I am in pain tonight. Today was difficult.
It was emotional being at the same hospital, again, in the same surgery prep area, experiencing much of the same interactions as when I was there less than 3 weeks ago. It was emotional as the procedure today makes chemo more of a reality than just talking about it. It was emotional because I met 10 more medical professionals doing their jobs, 10 more individuals that matter to me way more than I matter to them, 10 more women and men that play a major part in saving my life. (These 10 people push the number of total medical people woven into this chapter to 48 and I will meet even more in the coming weeks and months). One such person today stood out to me…Katarina. She was sweet. Kind. Funny. We have some things in common that we found out. She called me her soul sister. Called Chris “Mike” and then “Mark” on accident and we laughed. She said I will be beautiful bald and wants me to come back and say hi to her when I am bald so she can tell me again. She is an amazing nurse (my opinion) but an average hospital bed driver (her opinion). She was the one in charge of my sedation and comfort throughout the procedure and checked on me often. She talked girl stuff with me. (I started my period yesterday and we laughed and cried about how the timing of that could not have been worse…literally the second day is the day that I have the worst of all of the symptoms. Yup. Today was the second day. Yup. Be pissed at that with me. Of.All.Days.Of.All.Times. I am SO grumpy with all of my female anatomy today…boobs tried to kill me, periods just suck and come at the worst times, AND I have a cyst that may or may not be something that will require one of the most uncomfortable medical procedures known to women – the vaginal ultrasound. Oh so many eye rolls are happening right now. Seriously.)
Aaaaanyways, she is a beautiful part of my story and I am grateful to her and each other amazing professional to cross my path in this.
Tonight, I sit here with so many foreign plastic things in my body… tissue expanders with magnets and saline, drains that remove excess body fluids, and now a port that will deliver toxic chemicals through my veins over the next year. Too bad all of these things don’t give me a superpower….which one would I want?? I don’t know.
I continue to sit in a place of disconnect….I know this is happening, I acknowledge it. I can talk about it. I can think through it. I can even laugh about it in rare moments….but I still wake up in the mornings hoping it’s just a bad dream.
I went by work today to pay a quick visit. To see some of my most special people. To walk around the office. To give myself time to process what it will feel like to return to work. I am ready but I am apprehensive. I think it will be good but I also know it will be hard. I also know that I won’t really know what it is until I’m there.
And now I’m just tired. I’m going to go to sleep. I have so much more ahead of me this week and my brain is shutting down, my heart needs quiet, my body needs sleep.
Trepidation :: 9/26/18 :: Post 378
My heart is preparing itself tonight for a big day tomorrow…. I can feel the heaviness, the anxiety, the preoccupation, the fear, the trepidation.
I have my post-op with my new oncologist tomorrow and I’m supposed to get my final pathology results at that appointment. I feel like I’m bracing myself….. not sure if that’s just a normal thing after all that I’ve been through or if I’m that way because my intuition and the Holy Spirit are preparing me.
Now, I’m ok not knowing until tomorrow and I’m not spiraling out of control, but I am recognizing how pensive I am and that my gut is sitting with all of the possibilities.
We also have the inspection of our house tomorrow and anytime you buy/sell a house and no matter the specs of the house, the inspection is always a hurdle to get over. And we need a win. And a smooth process from here on out.
What lies ahead?
Peace :: 9/26/19 :: Post 741
Good day at work. Good night at volleyball.
But my body is screaming at me as my joints and bones intensely ache as I lay here.
And tomorrow is going to be hard.
I pray for the peace of sleep to come easy tonight.