Did you s l o w d o w n at all today?
Or did you keep moving f-a-s-t- – -> from one thing to another?
If you did slow down and stop, what part(s) of your day did you intentionally choose to? What did you see or experience there…big or small? How challenging was it to choose the pause? What actions of self-control did you use to practice it?
If you didn’t, what were some things that caused you not to? What can you choose to do different in the fast to intentionally practice the slow?
I would guess that even if you don’t *think* the slow down would matter too much to you or that you would gain anything from it, it still might be worth giving it some intentional effort. And even if it’s “not your personality,” still give it a chance. And even if you don’t “feel like it,” give it a try. And then persist in the practice of it….
*Post 896
Oh How Predictable….. :: 9/17/17 :: Post 17
I kinda don’t know where to start tonight… the main emotion I am feeling at the moment is anger. I’ve got lots of other stuff going on in my head and heart, but I’m just gonna have to start here because it’s the loudest thing I’m experiencing.
I am not surprised by this as it is all a part of a crisis process…you know: “denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance, resolution”… Again, something I have learned about, practiced and taught for years.
I know the value of anger. I know the purpose in releasing it. I know not to turn it away or tell myself I shouldn’t be angry or feel these emotions. I know that having and showing anger, even towards God, is not a lack of faith or a signof weak faith. I know better than that because I’ve sat with others in their anger and I encourage their expression of it…it’s healthy…it’s emotional intelligence. So, I’m just letting this be what it is.
But the fact that I am so so angry makes me angry. The reason why I’m in the space that brings about anger makes me angry. I’ve been here before throughout these past several weeks. And in other experiences of my tough story. But tonight……..fury.
And I didn’t even have too bad of a day…
I did, however, have an ungodly night last night. Hardly slept. Maybe……maybe a collective 3 hours total. So much pain. Could not calm my brain. Could not quiet my heart. I wanted to be anywhere but in my own skin. I hate this chair. I want my bed. I hate these effing drains. They hurt like hell. In the middle of the night, in the quietness of the world……..I FEEL E V E R Y T H I N G. And when everything – from my toes to my head and from the depths of my insides to my most outer layer of skin – hurts….well that just sucks. Like majorly. I tried all my tricks to calm and quiet and peace and I got nuthin’. Oh, and if that’s not annoying enough, our next door neighbors were having a stupid loud party with a fire and a cowbell and pot till 4am. (In the middle of the night, in the quietness of the world….I HEAR E V E R Y T H I N G, too. Aaaaand we had windows closed and a fan going for white noise. Jerks (and that isn’t really the word I wanna use for that…but I’ll leave it be and you can put your own word to it.)
Currently, I’m pissy about everything. The noise of the TV (it’s like nails on a chalkboard). The fact that my daughter had to use our shared computer for her homework and I have to use Chris’ and it’s not as comfortable. The dogs…oh how the dogs have pissed me off today and I was not even around them. The fact that Chris is sick and feels like crap. The fact that one of my daughter’s classmates has a very very contagious sickness and now I’m freaking out about that. The fact that there is yet more lice cases at school (we ALL had lice last summer because of school and it was horrendous). The fact that my kitchen is a mess and I can’t do a damn thing about it and yet all of my kids are busy with homework, Chris spent the day extending our dog run so the dogs could have more room (while feeling like crap and is now spent….hmmmm, maybe that’s why I’m pissed at the dogs), and so who am I to ask any of them to clean it. The fact that my mom is coming over tomorrow to clean my house for me for all the above stated reasons. The fact that I have a stomach ache….again. The fact that I have to experience a new experienced normal every day because every day is a new experience because I have cancer….and I’ve never had cancer before. Effing cancer. The fact that my arm hurts like someone is burning me. All of the time. The fact that I am going to miss my hair. Like really really bad. The fact that I’m going to be bald for my birthday and Christmas. The fact that the Broncos played today (one of my most favorite things) and I couldn’t have cared less about the game because I was too tired to care. The fact that my most favorite time of the year is now always going to be colored with the “cancer chapter.” Anniversary syndrome is a real thing…. The fact that sex will never be the same. The fact that I can’t wake up and go to work tomorrow…I love work. The fact that I cannot be at, set up for, and speak at our [Alternatives Pregnancy Center] annual fundraising event which is one of my most favorite things ever. The fact that I had to miss a counseling conference with my dearest colleagues this past weekend…in the mountains…in the fall…like seriously – put four of my most favorite things all together in one and I had to miss it. UGH. The fact that I don’t even know when I can go back to work. The fact that I feel weird about going back to work…that one surprised me and hit me hard in the gut….and I’m still not sure what it means. The fact that I have to have chemo. And radiation. And another surgery. The fact that I had to lose my boobs. And nerves. And sensation. The fact that I can actually feel the drains in my body and they are starting to really hurt…not just the holes where the drains come out but wherever they are snaked through the holes in my body…the holes where they literally scooped out my entire two breasts. The fact that I hear my husband over on the other side of the room miserable with an awful cold. The fact that my husband is on the other side of the room because we can’t sleep in the same bed.
Oh how my heart is heavy. Oh how it feels the intensity of this fire fueled frustration. Oh how I want this all to be a bad dream and wake up tomorrow with none of it.
But alas. I won’t. I’ll cling to the hope that I sleep better tonight. But I’ll wake up tomorrow and still have cancer. And there will still be purpose and meaning and process and participation and intentionality and presence. There will still be pain. And anxiety. And unknown. And uncertainty. And baldness. And loss. And I’ll still choose to walk this out fully, authentically, participatory.
It’s SO interesting that every day has brought something new. And different. No….scratch that…. Every MOMENT has brought something new. And different. That’s life. And it’s all relative to the MOMENT. Again, I’m not sure why I sound like I’m surprised by that. I’m really not. But it is just so interesting to be IN it like this. I walk through my day noting things along the way (that’s participation in the present) and learning as I go. It’s the core of my being to look at life and experience life like this. It’s my nature to process and process and process some more. I love to learn experientially and then apply the knowledge I get from one experience to the next.
It’s kinda doin a number on my head tonight that while at the same time that I totally saw this coming and I can “predict” this [the anger stage of a crisis], it is so intriguing that with each new day and new moment I can’t really predict what’s coming.
I can’t predict the new normal of tomorrow…..so I remain in this moment and let it be.
I’m gonna go ahead and throw it out there that quite likely all of this firey anger will manifest itself in a battle for my life that the devil better be scared of……….
Blah :: 9/17/18 :: Post 368
Apprehensive and out of patience. That’s all I got tonight.
17 :: 9/17/19 :: Post 732
I just got home. A 17-hour day from feet-on-the-floor to falling into bed.
I’m too tired to write what I want to write so it’ll have to wait.