Being “seen.” How would you define that? What do you think about it? What comes up for you when you read those words? What is your initial reaction?
Being “seen.” I think it goes beyond seeing. It goes beyond, “looking someone in the eye.” I think “seeing another” is a concept that is easy to talk about from the see-er’s point of view. But what about from the see-n’s point of view? What might a conversation look like—one that is not boundaried by what is surface, safe, trite, pat, easy-from-the-see-er’s-point-of-view? I hear it often (and have even said it myself), “People, in general, want to be seen.” Yet, if we’re willing to be honest, that is a relatively broad (and even presumptuous) statement.
Being “seen.” What does that *actually* mean?
What are the conditions? What are the expectations? What are the actions? – – – for the SEE-ER.
What are the conditions? What are the expectations? What are the reactions? – – – of the SEE-N.
Being seen requires vulnerability.
Being seen is not an isolated action nor is it an isolated experience nor is it an isolated target.
Being seen is bi-directional.
Being seen is more than being seen.
I guess my both+and challenge is this: go deeper than the literal and figurative, ‘looking someone in the eye.’ If someone were to ask me, “Do you feel seen?” My answer would be, “Sometimes, fully. A lot of times, about ½.” I’m grateful—I’m grateful for those that SEE me FULLY and I’m grateful for those that give me their ½. And the other ½, though, that is hard. Both + And.
*Post 943
This Battle is Brutal :: 11/2/17 :: Post 66
A lot of tears have come over me today. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be fighting cancer. I don’t want to hurt and feel sick and feel like I’m barely making it by. I don’t want to take meds around the clock just to manage the ick of all of this.
I don’t want to be needy and useless. And yes, I used the word useless. I literally had NO energy to do anything today. Not.A.Thing. I slept most of the day and I’m pretty positive that I didn’t even make it downstairs once today. Sad thing is, I don’t even remember IF I went downstairs!?
This battle is brutal.
I want to feel strong and unstoppable. I want to be strong for my family. I want my strength to be an asset at work. I want to eat and drink what I enjoy rather than question everything I put into my body. I want to sleep normally again where I actually feel rested after a night’s sleep. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and have confidence in what I look like, what I wear, how I do my hair. I want to have back everything that cancer has taken from me.
I’m bitter tonight. I’m sad that I have to walk this journey. This day was as slow as cold molasses and tomorrow and the weekend will be the same. It’s mind-numbingly awful to sit here and just feel all of the awful feelings…wishing it was simply the flu or a cold…something with an “end date”. Instead, here I sit knowing that how terrible I feel and how I’ll have to go through it all over again in round 3 …. And 4…. And 5…. And 6……
That sucks. And it feels ever so sickeningly forever…
Ugh.
And again the sleep is overtaking me so I am going to be done for the night. I’m hopeful for a day tomorrow free of nausea and a day with more energy. It makes me sad that I don’t have the energy to write more…I know it’s there but I am just spent. Yet another thing I am bitter about…
Whew :: 11/2/18 :: Post 415
Still at a volleyball game…..I am out of a voice. Big night. Work tomorrow. Then NYC!!!!!
I’m. E X H A U S T E D
Gratitude Month Day 2 :: 11/2/19 :: Post 778
November 2 of 2017 was a bad day. I was sick. I was weak. I had slept all day and didn’t even remember if I had gone downstairs at all that day. I was wishing for a cold or the flu instead of cancer. I couldn’t see the end. Chemo was going to last forever…
November 2 of 2018 – my freshman-at-the-time kid and her team had just won a game to send them to the State Tournament and Chris and I were flying out the next day to spend a few days in NYC for the Marathon because my sweet friend was running in my honor and my parents gave me that trip as a gift and celebration of my last chemo infusion a month prior. It was a good day.
Today, November 2, 2019 was a full day of volleyball and my body is screaming at me. I can barely walk, ridiculously enough, even typing is hurting and I don’t feel well much at all. The difficult reality that cancer has touched literally every part of my life, then and now.
Gratitude Month, Day 2 – But, despite my constant pain. I am grateful that chemo infusions did in fact, end…and for amazing parents and sweet friends (who run 26+ miles to show they care).