As much as I struggle being in my own skin I’m sure glad I’m in my own story. 

I’m far too tired to write tonight…it was a long and wonderful Christmas Day spending time with my very special people even though we couldn’t spend time with all of our other very special people. Merry Covid Christmas 2020. I wish I had more capacity to string words together but it’s just gone. And that’s okay. 

*Post 999

Merry Ping Pong Christmas 2017 :: 12/25/17 :: Post 118

The ping pong thoughts on this Christmas Day…

My neck is really sore. And my back. And my chest muscles. 

Spending time with family last night and today was wonderfully soul-filling. 

Christmas was different. But good. I see family, gift giving, gift receiving, quality time, energy, food, rest, gratitude, traditions, memory-making, priorities, peace and joy in a whole new light.

I’m exhausted. 

I’m low. 

I have an appetite for so many yummy things. But everything makes me sick. That’s sad. 

I wonder………. what it will feel like to be done with the first six hardest chemos. …what will I feel physically. …emotionally. 

I’m antsy. Patience in perseverance is really hard. 

Even though I’ve had a good day and have seen Christmas through different eyes, my heart is sad tonight. Is it the Christmas-is-over let down? Or Christmas-with-cancer reality? Or is it just a food thing? Or is it exhaustion and weariness? Or is it because I am getting closer to another chemo?

I’m grateful. For a lot of things in this storm. 

I’m also tired. So very tired. 

Merry New Home Christmas 2018 :: 12/25/18 :: Post 469

Our first Christmas in our new home….

And so much about today was wonderful…. 

Merry Living Changed Christmas 2019 :: 12/25/19 :: Post 833

One of the medications they gave me throughout chemo was called Neulasta…it was supposed to activate my bone marrow or something like that because chemo wiped out my immune system so that its poison could do its job killing the cancer. Neulasta, while supposedly a good thing, was brutal. It’s so weird to actually ‘feel’ my bone marrow. The inside of my bones would hurt – sometimes throb and ache and other times it would feel like someone was stabbing the inner most parts of me. I think almost everyone can relate to a stomach ache or a headache or a muscle ache…but to feel your bones? Maybe if a bone breaks? (I’ve never broken a bone before…) I remember being really surprised that bones could actually feel…it was one of those things that just didn’t have any frame of reference for when my chemo nurse told me what to expect with Neulasta.

Living changed, head to toe, day 25 – now that I know that 1. bones feel and 2. what they feel like, I actually experience discomfort in them a lot. My right femur will get a shooting pain that radiates through it that will be so bad that it will sometimes stop me in my tracks. My left shin will hurt randomly. My pelvis aches quite a bit. My spine throbs often… At times I just chalk it up to the fact that I just know what bones feel like now. At other times I freak out and think I have bone tumors. 

Thank you, cancer monster. Once again, I hate you.

That said, Christmas 2019 was incredible and I’m so grateful that despite the constant companionship of the cancer monster, I am here to make another year of memories.