I love the word “captivated” in this quote. It is precisely the perfect word for such a sentiment.

*Post 984

Round 4 is Tomorrow :: 12/10/17 :: Post 101=3

I’m dreading it. 

I’m also glad it’s here. 

Weird. (I think I’ve said that before….and it’s not getting any less weird to be in this place of tension.)

There have been a few moments where I’ve felt like I’m on the downward slope, that I can see a faint light at the end of this really really dark tunnel. And I’m glad for those times. But tonight I am not seeing that light so much. I am seeing an unknown ahead that feels too big, too heavy, too dark, too much. 

Please Lord bring peace to my heart. Bring hope to my tired and weary soul.

Crazy :: 12/10/18 :: Post 454

Yesterday was a 10-hour-work-on-the-house-day. But we did it. We are 95% settled. And Christmas is finally up in our new home. 

My heart is grateful. 

I went to dinner tonight with Mary. We have so much in common. We are also so oddly juxtaposed in our cancer journeys. Talking with her and spending time together is truly good for my soul. We can talk about the inside of cancer, we can say the crazy things that people with cancer can say, we can acknowledge both the light and the darkness of this dreadful disease. 

That’s the kicker right there…..

The light. 

The darkness.

They are coexistant. They are held together. They are at exact opposite ends of the spectrum and, at the same time, also smack dab right in the middle on top of each other. 

That’s the wildness that is trauma. I can recognize everything about this that I wish I never saw, experienced, touched, lived….but without those things, I wouldn’t be able to recognize the incredible, beautiful, rich transformation that could have only come from it. 

What a crazy thing to say. 

Living Changed Head to Toe Day 10 :: 12/10/19 :: Post 818

Fitting that today’s ‘from head to toe’ body part is my shoulders seeing as though I’ve had an incredibly emotional day. The weight of cancer on my shoulders is huge. My soul feels heavy, my mind – full, my heart is sad and my body is feeling like it is on the brink of freak-out. 

I had a post op appointment this morning…my surgeon is very pleased and as he was telling me in detail what all he did, I was amazed at his skill and expertise…and I am deeply thankful for his patience and willingness to try and put me back together as best a human can. ::No doubt I’ve been so blessed by all of my providers – they have all been so good to me:: Yet, despite the good report, I have cried much today. I haven’t felt well and I think this body suit is literally making me bonkers, subconsciously making me feel closed in, trapped and claustrophobic in my own skin. It’s an awful feeling. I was edgy all day, I could only focus on a little bit for short periods of time and there were many times that all I wanted to do was scream to quiet the noise in the rest of my body. Ugh. As I stood in front of the mirror today, my eyes welled up with tears of deep grief, intense fury and heavy disappointment. And I could feel the weight on my shoulders. They ache, they throb – Literally as my muscles have been rearranged, my core has endured so much trauma and my joints are fighting themselves because of a broken immune system…and figuratively they ache, as my priorities have been rearranged, my heart has endured so much trauma and my spirit lives in the tension of despair and gratitude every moment. 

If it wouldn’t hurt dreadfully so, I would collapse under the weight of it all into a puddle on the floor. 

Living changed, from head to toe – day 10, means for me to recognize this weight. First, acknowledge it and let it be heavy without feeling guilty that it is. Second, is trusting that as sure as the heaviness is, so are the lighter days. Third is being willing to call out those days, too. Fourth is knowing that while my burden is heavy, I do not carry it alone. And gratitude makes it possible to carry it at all.