Tonight my heart is burdened by what I lack. Being in the gym coaching volleyball is so very physically painful and with the emotional pain far exceeding that, it makes for a difficult responsibility in my life. And the brain sluggishness and weariness is an added frustrating layer, for sure. I want to be there for my girls. I want to watch them grow and improve and excel. I want to participate with them in the memories created through the experience of a common passion. So I hold that beauty in and with the pain of cancer and pray that when it’s the next time to show up again, it gets a little easier. And if not easier, that I learn and trust its purpose. 

Cancer sucks no matter when it hits. Certain to bring with it relative difficulties and unique tragedies whatever the age at diagnosis. Early, late, in the middle…. For my story, my cancer hitting in my late 30’s stole so very much from me. Now, I know it doesn’t do much good to live in the ‘back-then’ of ‘the way it was’ and ‘how it used to be.’ But, I’m not really doing that. I’m not wishing for what was… And I also know that it doesn’t do much good to live in the ‘what could have been’ because nothing is guaranteed and if not cancer…well, something else, maybe. Yet, even though I know these things, even though I know there is purpose (even when I don’t know the purpose), even though I know there is richness in deep experiences, I am grieving losses that I wish I didn’t have to lose. 

Lord, mend my broken heart. 

Today I…
Sunday: Learned
Monday: Chose; said yes/no to
Tuesday: Loved
Wednesday: Prayed
Thursday: Was challenged by/to 
Friday: Am grateful for 
Saturday: Saw grace in

*Post 1018

Quiet :: 1/13/18 :: Post 135

A quiet day.

Quiet in the house. 

Quiet in activity.

Quiet in my head. 

Thankful for these days. Thankful for the rest. 

Uncharted :: 1/13/19 :: Post 488

The week ahead holds some unknowns. And some likely difficult decisions. 

Tomorrow, I meet with my oncologist for a follow up….I haven’t seen her since October 1. I imagine I’ll have blood work done to check my tumor markers as we are now at the make-sure-cancer-doesn’t-come-back chapter of this story. And I know we are gonna talk maintenance chemo meds. And I know she’s gonna give me my CT Scan results. But beyond that I’m not sure what to expect. But I know it’ll be interesting to see her again. And I know I’ll have new experiences. And I know I’ll be exposed to the next new routine. 

And then Tuesday I meet with Dr. Chris to talk about reconstruction and what options I have left. My radiated side is significantly smaller than the other side so I’m not sure if the fat he is transferring is dying or what is going on. I’m not sure what he will offer as solutions. I’m not sure if the options I have left are options I will want to choose. And there is a pretty rough worst-case-scenario…….. 

So I lay here tonight completely aware of my anxiety. I’m edgy. I’m sharp. I’m pensive. 

I’m trying to talk myself into just trusting the process no matter how it unfolds and hoping for the best and resting in the truth that it’s all gonna be as it will be and knowing I can endure anything………

I truly do know those things. I’ve lived them. But here I am, still struggling to hear them through the muck of these new unknowns. Through these new ugly what-ifs. 

While this week will have the potential to be really difficult, it will also provide some new clarity as we navigate more uncharted waters. Lord, be with us.

(No post for 1/13/20)