Onco follow ups do a number on me. In my head I can stay rational (for the most part) but my soul and my gut…….those are a different story.
In the weeks leading up to today, I noticed just the word ‘oncology’ itself nauseated me. *I* have an *oncologist*. . . Whoa. Even now, almost 4 years later, thinking over the weeks, months and years that have led me here, I still shake my head in awe and disbelief that that word is my word.
The waiting—It’s always so long. The conversation—It’s always so raw. The exam—It’s always so vulnerable. The infusion chair—It’s always so surreal. As I was sitting there waiting for infusion number 24 to get underway, I thought about time. 4 years. 6 rounds of 5 drugs. 12 rounds of 2. 6 more rounds of 1. 24 times sitting in that infusion chair. 24 times looking out that window and seeing each season more than once. 24 times being taken care of by my most favorite onco nurse Angela. 24 times an IV pump dripped and beeped, dripped and beeped. 24 times capturing my weariness in a picture. 24 times. Prior to cancer, time was linear and it fit nicely into my preconceived notions. Then diagnosis hit and time became tenuous, the next directive as my target signifying progress. Now, time no longer fits into any known category…now it is fluid and vague and indefinable. Life then had order. Life now does not. Life then had stability. Life now does not. Life then had reference points. Life now doesn’t even have a cactus. Here, though, while I swirl in the ambiguity, there is a depth of gratitude that can only be reached because of the depth of my word.
Infusions may have stopped but follow ups will not. I may get to check infusions off my life-list but the emotions, the pain the loss the grief will not ever get their check of completion.
And though ‘oncology’ will always be my word, so is my gratitude.
Incredibles II :: June 21, 2018
My colleagues blessed me so much today. Saying such encouragement to me as I wrap up my week and prepare for surgery…praying over me and my family and my surgeons….loving me so well in the midst of this very hard thing.
Grateful.
And for anyone that really knows me, they know how much I hate movies. But, I had promised my family (who loves movies) that I would go see Incredibles II when we found out there was going to be the sequel. And tonight was the night because we needed to fit it in before surgery. It was SO good. And we had SO much fun. But, I am overstimulated, I am exhausted, I am fried.
3 days. Friday…….. Saturday………. Sunday………. Whoa.
That’s All :: June 21, 2019
My husband is amazing.
No post for 6/21/20