“Wherever you are, be all there.”
Jim Elliot
When I was diagnosed, time stopped. As I trudged through treatment, presence in each moment was all I had capacity for. Here in survivorship, I have a precious opportunity to keep time slow, to choose presence, to choose awareness in that presence and to never go back to the surface of where I used to live.
This Day in 2018:
Good Riddance
While I sat in my chair today, I went through a whole bunch of stuff that I’ve collected throughout this past year (we need to declutter and clean house because we are getting new carpet after our basement repair is finished and then we are hoping to list the house and get the heck outta here…..because life doesn’t stop for cancer.)
It was so interesting looking back through things that I got at the beginning of all of this… Folders with information on cancer diagnosis, surgeon details, surgery instructions, chemo information… Hospital bracelets…. Pathology reports, blood work printouts, prescriptions…
Remembering the feelings of those days, the anxieties, the newness, the rawness, the fear and anger and grief.
Do I keep all of this stuff? Do I want it? Will I ever need it? What purpose does it serve?
Do I throw it away? Do I want it to be that abrupt of an ending? Am I ready to just let those things go?
What a strange place to sit… I’m still in the midst of cancer. Treatment isn’t over yet. Surgeries to put me back together are still going. I’ll have more folders and printouts and hospital bracelets and prescriptions… and yet, there was so much of that stuff today that wore out their welcome.
So, I threw it away. I don’t know if I’ll ever need it all and frankly, I don’t care.
One thing I’ve learned through all of this is that I can be given all of the “here’s what to expect” information on the planet and it will only barely come in handy…because I have to LIVE it, prepared or not, I have to LIVE it. And I have to live it MY way.
Good riddance. Gotta make room for what is ahead…cuz, well, more is coming.
No posts for this day in 2019 or 2020