I wasn’t worth much yesterday in the general sense of the phrase. I could hardly participate in conversations, my words sluggish to surface. I had so little motivation and energy to get out of bed. I didn’t have focus to write, to organize my thoughts or emotions. I just sat and took up space. For a while in the day, I was beating myself up for it…telling myself to ‘get it together’ and ‘buck up.’ Then it occurred to me that I was in ‘conservation mode’ knowing that the week ahead of me is a tough one for a myriad of reasons. Instinctually, my body and mind and heart knew to be protective of my capacity so that there is enough in the tank, and some left over in the reserves. #ThisIsSurvivorship. Cancer has zapped me. I’ll never be the same. What once was 100% is now 60 and intrinsically, my body now knows to protect itself.
After my experience yesterday (despite a little of the old-Amber coming out), I will now trust the subconscious slow down. I’ll hold that space for myself because it’s purposed. And it’s important.
Yesterday in 2018:
Hard. Difficult. Painful.
Ugh.
I’m pissy.
I’m overwhelmed.
I’m grumpy.
I’m emotional.
I’m exhausted.
Going back to work has been really hard. Parenting is consistently difficult. Saying goodbye is painful.
My heart is tired.
Today in 2018:
Intense
Today was intense. From start to finish.
Hard day at work. Hard evening at home.
Had some difficult client interactions that reflect the hardness of this world.
Had some difficult daughter interactions that reflect the hardness of road we’ve all traveled and the anxieties of what remains ahead.
Not much else to say tonight…
Yesterday in 2019:
17×3……
Exhausted. Three full days — having one thing after another from like 5am-10p — since the moment we landed… work, life decisions, doctors appointments, back to school meetings, back to sports meetings….
Despite August being a very difficult month, it’s a fun time of year, for sure.
Today in 2019:
The Loyalty of the Unknown
I had a conversation with my heart tonight. It told me to trust the unknown because it won’t ever fail me. Hm. That’s interesting to consider.
For a moment, I wanted to write that it’s scary and treacherous…but then unknown is unknown so I can’t actually qualify what it is or how it feels… So, it was interesting that I came to understand it a little differently tonight in that there is one thing I can do with the unknown – I can trust it.
I can trust that it will occur…so I don’t need to be scared of the possibility of the unknown.
I can trust its reliability…it’s going to happen, so I can trust that it will follow through on happening.
I can trust that it will become known…whatever is waiting for me is soon to be in the rear-view mirror, whatever lies ahead that I don’t know will soon be something I do know.
I can trust that it will benefit me…even if the unknown is dreadful (like cancer), I will know myself, my faith, my understanding, my life better for having the unknown become known.
I can trust that the unknown will not fail me….I will walk away with something more than I had before simply by walking into the unknown with expectation.
Life is varied and full and cancer has taught me that I am capable of holding light with dark, easy with hard, joy with grief. And that I can trust the loyalty of the unknown…
No Posts for yesterday or 8/8/20 or 8/9/20