Most of the time I can manage the space between the memory and the what-if with emotional agility, acknowledging what was wonderful back in the day and not getting too hung up on the what lies ahead, mindful of my gratitude for where my story is at the present. Yet, recently, it’s been quite a bit more challenging not to yearn to go back to my glory days.
I miss them.
I miss my D1 volleyball strength and physicality.
I miss my stay-at-home-mommy-ing when time felt long and slow and everything was actually less complicated.
I miss my days as a crisis counselor, encountering and being woven with incredible stories. An identity I’m SO proud of.
I miss my days as a supervisor, having earned and returned the respect of incredible colleagues…a very special role sadly cut short.
Among these wonderful days were really hard days, too, definitely ones I would never repeat. But yes, there, in my heart, is a yearning to return.
But would I really go back? What is it about the glory days that draw me in? What is it that I miss? Is it who I was at that time? Is it easy to look back knowing what I know now thinking that if I was the me I am now back then it would be even better? Is it the people? Does it seem simpler, therefore easier, even if it seemed so hard at the time? Is it the identities that I yearn for because of my current identity crisis? Is it me simply living the cliché of not knowing what you have till it’s gone? What would the conditions need to be if I were to be granted a genie-wish to get to go back? What parameters are used to define which part was glorious and which parts weren’t? Will today’s days be glory days some day deep in the future despite how very hard that is to imagine because of the days that I’m in? Such existential thoughts and questions…..and not an answer to be found in the logical world.
Nonetheless, I went in search of quote to help me capture what I really am wrestling with…in hopes that someone else could help me articulate my tension. And lo and behold, I found the perfect quote to fit: “Sometimes we can’t let go of the memories because they are constant reminders of a great story we never expected to end.”
Yup. This.
I know it’s not logical to keep ruminating on the glory days and I know it depletes energy from my already compromised energy reserves to do so as well, so how can I create something meaningful from this feeling? I presume it’ll be some trial and error but if I can connect to the identities inherent in those days, maybe I can feel connected to that which felt glorious about them and make present days similarly glorious. If I can name motivations and traits that served me well then, maybe I can experience the benefits again now among new storylines. If I can leverage the grace of memories, the great stories that they are connected to don’t actually have to have an end.
It’s worth a try.
Quote by Joffrey Lagura
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