I’m gonna belabor a point today in my blog because, well, two reasons: 1. It is a vitally important topic of discussion and 2. Each of us always have something new to learn and today might be the day someone reads this, and it helps.
Fellow cancer peeps (or anyone who has experienced something difficult) – have you heard, “you’ll be better off when you stop playing the victim,” or “just do [some magic fix] to do/feel/be better,” or “don’t let cancer (or other hard things) define you.” ??
Yeah. Me too. 😤
Here is my take on these things from the REAL, ACTUAL, INSIDE of trauma:
Assuming someone is ‘playing the victim,’ is problematic… What if the person you are saying this to (or thinking about) is *actually* a victim? My first thought – there is some confusion around what you’re taking responsibility of by saying that to someone else. My second thought – from where I sit, I very much am a victim of the cancer monster. It came out of nowhere, it traumatized me, and it obliterated my life as it was….quite similar to my being a victim of rape?! So, why shouldn’t I claim that identifier? How is it inaccurate or inappropriate? My third thought – by all means, it might be very appropriate to challenge (LOVINGLY) those in your life to take personal responsibility for their actions and consequences, but ‘being a victim’ and ‘playing the blame game’ are two very different things entirely. 🤔
Offering the phrase, “Just do [some solution] to do/feel/be better,” comes with a few major issues… First – ‘just’ has a minimizing and diminishing tone. Please be careful when you use it. Nothing is simple when facing trauma or the processing of it. “Just drinking more lemon water” is not a solution for undoing or lessening a cancer diagnosis. “Just act like it’s nothing and you’ll trick your brain into thinking it is” is not really realistic. Second – it’s not your responsibility to fix anyone and whatever your magic fix is?, it likely won’t resonate with the person hurting (even if you’ve experienced the same thing!). Third – unless you have genuinely listened to them and then asked first (non-passive-aggressively) if they wanted some suggestions, you have quite likely chipped away at that person’s willingness to be honest with you next time. 🤫
Attempting to encourage someone by the statement, “Don’t let ________ define you!” actually creates significant confusion. First – of course it’s defining?! All of our experiences are?! Like the way my 4th grade teacher made me feel small and insignificant. Or the way my stepdad makes me feel like his very own flesh and blood. The way numerous volleyball and basketball coaches destroyed my confidence (only, though, to build my resilience!). The way my girls have taught me grace, and my mom models strength, and my husband shows selflessness. The way abandonment, rape, a semi throwing me off the highway, and cancer have absolutely destroyed me!!! Second – while you may intend this to come from a place of encouragement, it really just cheapens the potential value of the story. What in your life hasn’t become a part of your definition? Good or bad? Which, leads me to my third point with this one – isn’t acceptance where we strive towards? And if so, telling someone “not to let such-and-such define them” actually sends them in the opposite direction, further backwards and further into denial. 😳
As I wrap up January and my take on everything bravery, I wanted to speak to a BothAnd here. Be brave to read this and let it challenge and change the way you encourage those in your life that are going through the sludge. It’s okay to admit you don’t know what to say. That’s brave. It’s okay to let your empathy (rather than your sympathy) connect when words can’t. That’s brave. It’s okay to free yourself from what you are responsible for and learn how to be responsible to. That’s brave. It’s also brave to let authenticity show itself in its 100 different ways. To not define it for someone else. To be changed and do different.
AND
It’s brave to claim where you’re a victim and where you need to take personal responsibility for actions and consequences. And to know the difference. It’s brave to put boundaries up when all you hear are someone else’s solutions. And to be open to hearing suggestions when someone asks if you’d like some. It’s brave to let your story become a part of your definition, to live INTO it rather than running from it. And to claim the gratitude along the way.
Hopefully this helps. Feel free to pass it along to anyone who could benefit from it. And know that when you show up and do your best with what you know and then do better when you know better, that’s brave, too. 🥰
People might project their own fears on others when they try to make their fear yours. In other words, when they say “don’t play the victim” “get over it”, or …..whatever, I think they are really more afraid of dealing with their own identity and fears in the “shared” trauma/experiences they may have with you, or they are simply fearful of getting too close and “catching” a similar experience. They throw on an emotional bandaid to cover up what they assume is strength and move on as if the trauma or life-changing experience never happened. One and done kind of thing. It might be their way to cope but when they judge and use words to weaken others in the guise of “well-meaning”, because they feel others should walk the same walk, it is then I believe their own weakness and fear is exposed. We are defined by what we experience in life, but it is what we do with it that really defines us, and no one regardless of how similar our stories are, are not qualified to define YOU/ME.
😳wow. So good!!! I love the phrase you said, “we are defined by what we experience in life, but it is what we do with it that really defines us.” !!!!