Physically
I’m barely putting one foot in front of another. My smallest toes are screaming out. My core, slouched from the weight of exhaustion. My creaky joints are weak with pain and my head pounds. And the hot flashes are brutal.
Mentally
I’m spent. Typing and putting words together is almost too hard, making any sense of intelligence feel too far away from here. And the fortitude against distraction is almost nonexistent…my brain, barely holding on to a single track.
Socially
I’m done. I’m grateful tomorrow is a day where I don’t have to socialize with anyone. I love the people in my day-to-day but a day of very little social input and output will be necessary as I have a big test to study for.
Spiritually
I’m aware of my exhaustion mattering. My soul knows how to rest in the freedom of ‘it won’t always look this way.’
Emotionally
I’m just letting the tears well up…knowing that each one is purposed. And none is wasted.
All of my “yeses” were intentionally spread out, allowing for my best me to show up in each “yes,” respecting important cancer-learned boundaries. But because of covid and the way it has turned things upside down, all my “yeses” are happening all at once. I don’t have enough to give but yet the intentionality of each “yes” has not diminished…none of which are able (or wished) to turn to “noes.” How am I going to keep this up?
The answer? I don’t know. I’ll just keep showing up with what I’ve got and rest in the purpose of presence.
*Post 1040
An Angry Day :: 2/4/18 :: Post 156
I had an angry day. I was pissed at cancer.
My body aches.
My hair is gone. And wigs are so uncomfortable. And it’s my favorite season because I love wearing scarves…but I can’t with wigs.
I have to draw in eyebrows.
My eyes water. CON.STANT.LY.
My nose either runs or bleeds all of the time.
The palms of my hands and the soles of my feet itch like mad.
My fingernails hurt.
My stomach hurts.
I’m tired.
I haven’t slept well in months.
My skin is dry.
I have to be careful what I eat and even then, I never know.
Stupid cancer.
Resiliency Connected :: 2/4/19 :: Post 510
The thing I’m finding the most difficult in this new phase of treatment is the unpredictability… I have yet to really feel the same.
Today, I’ve been extra achy. And I cried at dinner when I was hungry but lost all appetite as soon as I took one bite and then it all almost came back up. (And the fact that that made me cry is also what is making me a little crazy…)
I read an article last night about the ‘tendencies of people who are struggling with depression’…it intrigued me because depression and anxiety are two main side effects of this new daily med I’m taking and I read it because I wanted to see if my tendencies lined up with this author’s findings. One of the tendencies is that people with depression stop investing in their relationships because they are focused mainly on their own selves and circumstances. Isolation.
It makes total sense.
And as I was driving to work, I had a moment where it felt really hard to care about anyone else. I had a few friends pop in my mind and I didn’t feel like texting or calling them, I didn’t feel like checking in with them.
Oh no.
THAT is not like me. THAT is the literal opposite of me.
But I couldn’t shake it. And I pushed those friends out of my mind. Because I didn’t want to care that I cared that I didn’t want to check in.
There is always busy-ness at work so I was easily distracted when I got in and settled. One thing led to another and the day was moving along. And then the thought hit me again – check in with _______ and _________ and ___________ and __________………. And I decided that depression wasn’t going to grab a hold of me and pull me into a pit of isolation and suffocate me. I wasn’t going to let depression unravel the tapestry of people woven into my story for such a time as this…
I texted a few people and let them know I was thinking of them. And tonight a texted a few more.
I will have to CHOOSE this every day as I fight to understand this new normal – these meds and what they are doing to my head. And heart. The battle is raw and real and has targeted me in new ways……
Lord, that I would remain resiliently connected to You and all you have for me, even in the trenches, instead of allowing the dulling of cancer to take hold.
(No post for 2/4/20)