My word for today: capacity. And yikes, did I push it. . . In line with yesterday’s post, the capacity I am now left with is strikingly small compared to life BC. Before, when I’d pushed my limits, of course I’d feel it. The limit was far and I was able to do much, but I’d still feel tired and worn out. Though, nothing a good night’s sleep wouldn’t fix… Now, I can’t go as far and when I do hit my limit, I don’t just feel it, I  f e e l  it. In just about every nerve. And now, sleep is elusive, so elusive that it takes way more than one good night’s sleep to recover.

Capacity is something that had become an identity for me BC. I was very happy being superwoman, doing all the things (and doing almost all the things well). I anchored myself to that and felt most alive when I was pushing my own limits. The more maxed out I was, the happier I felt, thriving on achievement. None of this is all bad and I am so deeply grateful for the ability to have lived this and experienced this amazing aptitude. I learned SO much about myself and I was able to boldly influence SO many things and people. What a gift that was. Yet, capacity, and the extreme loss of what it once was, is also something that I have had to grieve along with all of the other losses of cancer. Oh there are so so many. And because my capacity was tied to my identity….well, you can easily put two and two together on just how deep that grieving has been. 

So I sit here tonight, pained in every nerve, heart and soul stinging from the grief that I just don’t have what I used to, with my mind valuing the precious power in both the ‘where I’ve been’ and the ‘where I am.’

*Post 1039

Just Enough :: 2/3/18 :: Post 155

Thoughts as I end my day… This week was so hard. My body is tired. I’m anxious for what’s ahead. 

But I have so much gratitude for what is behind. 

I’m finding myself starting to ask God what’s next. …Where this is all leading. …Where He’ll take me. …What He wants for me and from me in light of where I’ve walked and continue to walk. 

I want my eyebrows back. And eyelashes. (I haven’t lost them all….but I’ve lost quite a bit.) And I want my hair back. 

My family is tired. And we have more to endure. 

I had a wonderful breakfast date with my sweet hubby this morning. I got to watch my kid play basketball this afternoon. I saw one of my closest friends tonight. And while I’m exhausted, I’m so grateful I had the capacity to fill my soul in these ways today. 

So far so good, February.

Funky Gratitude :: 2/3/19 :: Post 509

In.a.FUNK. 

But so grateful for my husband. And girls. And mom and dad. And that we all keep battling. 

And grateful for family and friends that walk with us. 

(No post for 2/3/20)